Today we look at the third of the six
statements where Jesus contradicts the accepted “morality” of His day. Here He
deals with relationships by focusing on marriage and divorce, but His words are
not just about divorce, but every relationship in life.
To this, we should look at the marriage
customs of Jesus’ day. Parents chose their child’s life partner. This is still
practiced in many countries, and most of those arranged marriages are mostly
happier than ones where the children chose their own. If the parents love their
children, they look out for their best interest. They find spouses who fit
their personality, and take the child’s wishes into consideration. The whole
system depends on commitment and trust between parent and child.
When a proper groom was chosen, the parents
gave him a dowry, which was a promise to him of marriage. The groom gave the
bride a monetary gift, usually in the form of a ring. Both gifts were intended
to display trust and commitment.
The marriage had three stages, just like it
does today. First there was the ring, or gift. Then there was the contract, or ceremony.
Then there was the consummation, or honeymoon. Any of these three stages constituted
legal marriage. If the groom slept with the bride first he was considered
married to her. The lifetime commitment was implied in sexual union. They were
one flesh.
The system worked because it depended on trust
and commitment. Children trusted their parents to make a good choice; husbands
trusted and committed to their wives. These outer commitments were built on
inner commitments of love and respect. The idea of couples being “incompatible”
never came up, because marriage wasn’t based on compatibility, but trust and
commitment. A man gave his word to stay with a woman, and as a gentleman, he
kept his word. Society was based on
personal relationships of trust and commitment. People loved each other and
kept their promises. No laws could ever replace that. If the love and
commitment are not there, no one will obey anything.
This is still true. If people don’t trust the
government, society falls apart. If government leaders don’t respect the people,
society falls apart. Society depends not
on people’s outer actions, but on their inner hearts.
But even in the old days, things didn’t always
work out. Sometimes parents married off their daughters to the wrong man. Husbands
broke trust with their wives. When that happened, divorce was necessary and
unavoidable.
In Jesus’ day, Israel practiced “one way no
fault” divorce. If a woman wanted a divorce, she had to give a good reason and be
able to prove it. Even then, society blamed the woman. If a man wanted a divorce,
though, he needed no reason.
The Talmud specifically states that a man may
divorce his wife if she burns his dinner, or if he finds another woman more
attractive. The Talmud also states that if a woman is proven to commit
adultery, then the man must divorce
her even if he would be inclined to forgive. Adultery was a stoning offense—for
the woman, not the man. The sexism was tremendous.
We can appreciate how unfair this was to the
woman. A woman had better learn to cook, or her husband can divorce her! She
had better not get fat or unattractive, or her husband could dump her!
But we
live in “enlightened” times. How we have changed today! We have equalized
marriage by giving women the same rights as men. While in Israel men were free to
dump their wives, in America, women are equally free to dump their husbands. Women have more leverage in relationships
than before, more power. Because of this extra leverage we now have a 50-60%
divorce rate. Women have freedom. Women have power. But none of us have trust,
security or commitment.
Marriage is intended to be a life-long
state. There are only three conditions
which allow divorce, and those are infidelity, abandonment, and abuse. Malachi
2: 13-16 deals with this.
This is another thing you do: you
flood the altar of the Lord with
tears, weeping and wailing because he no longer pays attention to your offering
nor takes pleasure in it from your hand. Yet you ask, ‘For what reason?’
Because the Lord acts as a witness
between you and the wife of your youth, because you were unfaithful to her, your
partner, the wife of your covenant. Did he not make them one?
And the vestige of the spirit remains in him. And why did he make them one? He
was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and don’t be
unfaithful to the wife of your youth.
“Indeed, the Lord God of Israel says that he hates divorce, along with
the one who conceals his violence by outward appearances, says the Lord of the Heavenly Armies. “So guard
yourselves carefully, and don’t be unfaithful.”
God hates divorce
but if a person cheats, or commits domestic violence, God hates that just as much. Malachi equates infidelity, domestic
violence, and divorce as all bad. In God’s eyes, seeking a divorce for other
reasons is tantamount to adultery and abuse.
Keep in mind,
Malachi said this to a nation which outwardly followed God. Divorce, adultery
and abuse aren’t just practiced by non-believers, but also by believers. Some
evidence suggest that there is actually more physical abuse among Christians
than among non-Christians. Don’t think that the covenant of marriage binds a
wife to endure a brutal marriage where her husband treats her as a punching bag--it
does not. Violence and adultery are divorceable offenses.
But Malachi also
equates divorce with domestic violence. Divorce is a form of warfare. It isn’t just
breaking a vow, but since we come together as one flesh, its amputation. “Friendly”
divorces are a myth. Like any other war, both sides bleed. People may become
friends after divorce, (I hope they do), but divorce is still ugly and painful
to both parties, and even uglier if children are involved.
If divorce is so
ugly, then why is there so much of it?
Jesus says it is
because our hearts are hard. But to whom are our hearts hard? A person that is
“hard-hearted” is not that way to everyone. Divorce happens not when we are
hard to each other, but when we are hard to God.
Don’t ask why
people should divorce--ask why people stay married. In Jesus’ day, most people stayed
married for life. Today they don’t. The difference is this—they relied on trust
and commitment, mostly to God. Their marriage trust was based on the assumption
that they should trust God.
If marriage isn’t about God, then I
have no problem with divorce. But if we have committed to the Kingdom of God,
then marriage is a way of living out that commitment.
The first vows in a Christian marriage
is made to God. You pledge to God to support and live with one person. Really,
you aren’t pledging to each other, but to God. When you fall in love, you are
entering into a romance. When you get married, you are signing on to a
one-sided ministry. Marriage isn’t just about loving each other or meeting
needs. It’s an oath to God. You take on a congregation of one person, to honor,
love and to accept above all else, except God. Before you marry, make sure you
want it. Ask God to give you the strength to fulfill that holy promise. Take
God out of marriage, that oath is empty. If you put Him in it, then your oath
is to Him, not to your spouse.
In the God’s kingdom, all things are done
for God’s glory. Our first relationship is to Him, it is to Him we look to have
our needs met. God will provide the support that our spouses will not. Changing
spouses will not meet our needs if God doesn’t, because He is the source of all
our support. Every decision we make in life is really a question of whether we
are doing what God wants. All our relationships are for God’s sake, not out
own. We enter them for His sake.
I will not say any of this is easy—it
is not. I have known many Christians who chafe at this, who feel their spouse
is a “ball and chain” around their neck. But when we feel this, we are looking at
it wrong. It’s not the spouse that is the ball and chain. It is our feelings.
The only way that we can live up to the standards our Lord sets down is to be
changed by God’s Spirit from the inside out. God doesn’t trap us with laws we
cannot keep. He frees us to obedience by changing our inside desires. Christ can
set us from those trapped feelings which come when our hearts desire what we
cannot have.
Many Christians live with a feeling of
being trapped—trapped in jobs, trapped in addictions, and even trapped in
monogamy. But Christ can change the desires of our hearts so we can enjoy the
righteous path. He can make us appreciate the right way, and throw off the
wrong way of sin.
This same principle applies to all relationships—friendships,
neighbors, children, parents, churches, even society. We can stay where you are,
with the commitments we have for as long we live, and still be free in our
hearts. Society depends upon trust, and trust depends on being under God. We
can love our country, even when our country is wrong. But I can only do it if I
love God more. No legal or moral threats, punishments or rewards are strong
enough to hold people together when we don’t believe that God is in it.
It is not my intention to pass
judgment on any who have endured the agony of divorce. Nor is it my intention
for any to view these words in a legalistic or binding way. Jesus’ point in the
Sermon on the Mount is not to set up a new law, but to show by example how
people think whose minds are renewed by grace. If we seek God, then we won’t be
seeking to break our vows to God or to another, but to follow a path of
love.
Instead, it is my hope for those who may
be struggling with difficulties to consider that more is at stake than your
personal feelings of comfort. Stay married for as long as you can. Work out
your differences. Seek counseling. Swallow your pride. The single
greatest motivator to stay together is not how you feel about each other, but
how you feel about a covenant you made before God. f God is first in both your lives, then no
power on earth or in heaven can ever
tear you apart.
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