Love and Respect - Ephesians 5: 15-32

 Whenever I do premarital counseling, we go over Ephesians 5: 15-32. It usually raises eyebrows with brides to read vs. 22, “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as unto the Lord.”

If I were a bride, it would certainly bother me. This passage seems to go against everything little girls are taught today about being assertive and strong. To girls growing up in a modern society, this passage seems medieval!

I don’t blame then. I wouldn’t want any woman to simply accept these verses without understanding their true meaning. To see what it really means, see what Paul is saying in its context.

Ephesians is a primer on basic Christianity. In the first half, he focuses on what God does for us.  He loves us unconditionally, without limits. Jesus gives us forgiveness and unites us together in love.

Love is inviting, not demanding. If love is demands, it isn’t love. If a man acts like a tyrant and demands obedience from his wife, he is not following God’s example. God invites a special lifestyle between man and wife, but He doesn’t demand it. God still loves you if you don’t. 

In the second half, Paul focuses on how we love God and each other. In Ephesians 5 and 6 through 6: 9 applies love to three basic relationships in our lives—marriage, children, and employment.

The first thing in all three of these relationships is that they should be love relationships. We are rooted and grounded in love. (Ephesians 3:17), “we bear with each other in love” (Ephesians 4:2), “the Body builds itself up in love” (Ephesians 4:15), “and in all our actions we walk in love” (Ephesians 5:1).  “Love isn’t just something men give to their wives, but everyone gives everyone. Wives should also love their husbands.

In each relationship, love looks a little different. Paul describes in three kinds of relationships—husband/wife, parent/child, and servant/master-- how love looks in each relationship. A child who loves his parents must obey them. A slave who loves his master will do the same. And a woman who loves her husband in Roman society will be obedient. This does not make them unequal in the eyes of God.  The love of Jesus makes us all equal.

The treatment of husbands and wives is given extra treatment in society, because it is the most basic of all human relationships. Only in marriage and in the church are people called one flesh. The unique relationships of husbands and wives makes it more important than any other relationship on earth. 

As we have said, God calls upon us all to love each other as Christ loves us. But he also calls on us to do something else. We also submit to one another. Ephesians 5:21, says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  Submission isn’t just something that wives do to their husbands. Husbands must submit to their wives. Children don’t just submit to their parents; parents submit to the child. Servants don’t just submit to their masters; master also submit to their servants. Submission is mutual in the Body of Christ. 

What is submission? Obedience, yes, but also consultation and respect. You don’t keep secrets from people to whom you are submissive. You don’t play power games with them. You don’t conceal facts or try to gain the upper hand. You are straight up honest and open. If you respect your boss, you respect his opinion. You don’t work behind his back, you don’t try to circumvent him, and you don’t conceal what you are doing. If the boss doesn’t like your plan and you do, you don’t do it. You respect your boss’ opinion even if you don’t agree. 

Notice, respect is not something that we earn.  We give it “out of reverence for Christ”—that is, because Christ commands we respect. We honor and trust not because they have earned it, but because He has earned it. 

This is mutual in every love relationship. I submit to my wife--if she says no, I don’t proceed.  Our relationship is rooted in God and our mutually submissive behavior is because of what God commands us. The same is true in every other relationship. I respect authority because God has placed me under it.

Love and respect are commanded for all people and to all people. So why does God tell us in Ephesians 5 that men should love their wives and that women respect their husbands? Why is man commanded specifically to love, and women commanded specifically to respect? I believe it is because of the differences between genders. Men are like dogs and women like cats. 

Women are like cats only in this aspect. To make friends with a cat, you approach them directly.  Cats are solitary hunters. When cats look each other in the eye, it is a sign of friendship. Cats look at you, because they demand affection. 

Dogs run side by side, in nature with those who are by their side. If you approach a strange dog directly to give them attention, you might get bitten.  If a dog wants affection, it presents its side, not it’s front. They are indirect in their approach to affection.

Women, like cats look for direct signs of affection. They want to be told you love them. They need to talk about feelings, relationships and love. The primary love language to a woman is direct and emotional. One of the main ways a woman seeks respect is through compliments and signs of affection.

Men, like dogs, do not seek so much a direct expression of love as a show of respect. If two women want to form a friendship bond, they go out to dinner and say so. They compliment each other’s dresses or hair. They discuss their feelings. Through direct revelation of their feelings they build love with each other. If a woman senses that another woman is concealing her feelings, it is seen as a sign of distrust, even if they seem helpful. If two men want to form a friendship bond, they do something together. They put a new engine in a car, go to a football game, or play cards. No one talks about feelings directly. But if you are with men in a conversation you discover their feelings often through indirect feelings. Men care about each other, but they tend to express it in actions and respect. 

Women hear and express love through words, men through actions. This causes problems in marriage, when women don’t hear what men are saying and men don’t hear what women are saying. To address this difference, Paul encourages men and women to speak to each other’s love language. 

Men tell your wives you love them and cherish them as the precious gifts they are to you. Women, respect and admire your husbands by showing them you are willing to follow them. In this way, we are learning to speak each other’s language. Nothing destroys a woman’s self-esteem like not being cherished. Nothing destroys a man’s self-esteem like being disrespected. 

So how does a woman show respect for her man? By actions as well as words. Before you spend money, check with your husband. Before you make plans to do something as a couple, check with him first. He doesn’t like surprises; but prefers to be asked. And men, do the same for your wives. Wives need respect, too. Speaking up to your husband, not down to him. Don’t treat him as another child. Don’t fuss at him about his clothing, but praise him for his good qualities. Don’t speak in condescending ways to him. Let him know that you respect his ability to make decisions. Sometimes when women get together, they engage in gripe sessions about the men they married. Avoid this and think about his good qualities. And men, do the same for your wives. 

No spouse is perfect. But love and respect improve our perception of them. Look upon one another as the best things that have ever happened to each other. Do not let any resentment, anger, or retaliation pass between you without being resolved, prayed about and forgiven. 

Paul spends much longer describing what a man owes his wife.

First, he owes her submission. Our first ministry in life is to make our wives feel special. This is more important than your job, church, or even your kids. Next to honoring God, our purpose is to make our wife feel like queens.

Second, he owes her sacrificial giving. Paul compares the relationship a man has with his wife to the relationship Christ has with his church. He sacrificially loves her. It is a whole-hearted surrender of our lives to hers, without selfishness or thought of reward.

Marriage is not a contract—it’s a covenant. A contract is null and void if the person doesn’t keep up their part. But in a covenant, even if one party doesn’t keep it, it’s still in effect. It’s a permanent, whole-hearted commitment. Christian marriage is a covenant, and it is the duty of every Christian husband to surrender to his wife first, as an example of Christ’s love for us.    

Third, he owes her admiration. Paul compares the wife to Christ’s feelings about his bride. He prepares her in beauty and lavishing his love upon her. So, men should lavish love and affection upon their wives.  

I met a man who did that, years ago. Joy and I were celebrating our fifteenth wedding anniversary at the beach. As we walked along, we saw a man making a sand sculpture of a heart with an arrow though it. It was at least a foot high and six feet across. A woman looked on and smiled. She was clearly the other set of initials in the sculpture. I said something to her about how lucky she was to have a man who would go to all this trouble.

She answered, “This?  This is nothing! Every day of our marriage, he has found some new way to say, ‘I love you.’ Some days, it’s a note in my lunch box. Some days it’s a dinner. Some days it’s a poem. But every day, he comes up with some new way of saying it.”

I was amazed and more than a little embarrassed. Think the work and creativity involved in finding a new way of saying, “I love you” every day. Yet gentlemen, this is what our wives, your mothers, and our daughters long to hear from us. In doing this, we are taking care of our first ministry every one of us have in this world—our wives.

Husbands love your wives. Wives respect your husbands—not for their sake, but for God’s.